Two notebooks
Sorry not to have written anything for ages. Those butterflies were a hard act to follow.
A couple of weeks ago my family were here and we had a wonderful trip down south. Unfortunately my camera battery drained away so I’ll wait for them to send me some photos before I post anything about our trip.
Some things which have happened since we got back:
Me and Hannah have been swimming a lot. We also went up to Sapa in the mountains for a beautiful weekend. We went to the silver waterfall and the golden waterfall and we found that the golden waterfall was really gold – like the colour of the stream at Kindrogan in Scotland but even more so. Mist was always moving over the mountains.
I have been working very enthusiastically. I have turned back to coffee and, in the mornings I have been going to cafes near us and taking out my notebook and writing about how I see my project at the moment and then planning out my day.
One time after we went swimming, I had coffee at a cafe in a little park, near a potted Araucaria and under the fierce gaze of the peasant emperor Quang Trung. Police cadets were practicing self-defence moves on the grass and one dropped his mobile phone. Two older policemen were playing chess at the cafe table behind. I realised that I was happy, that I loved Hanoi again.
I met a Frenchman who is ready to go home. He says that the director of the national park where he is working stole nearly all the money from his project. He doesn’t believe any international projects in Vietnam are working and those who say they are are deceiving themselves.
I have downloaded a programme called Stretch break which stops you every half hour and encourages you to stretch.
I got really into the statistics of my project and finally read and understood stuff that I’ve been meaning to read for ages. I want more – but it also burns me out. I keep telling people I’m avoiding going to the field; that next time I want to be sure of what I’m doing before I go.
In the first week I felt that all my bad habits about working came out one after the other and I had to avoid their traps. One was to work really enthusiastically and hard and then collapse on the sofa. Another was to just continue to go down to the kitchen and eat things. A lot of these habits stem from insecurity about what I’m doing. Or at least they are reinforced by it. But that’s not all, as I think I discovered today. In any case I am doing whatever I’m doing with much less anxiety about whether its the right thing to do, which is pleasant.
On Wednesday evening I was supposed to host a creative writing group but no-one came. I was quite upset about that and had a long argument with Hannah.
Today I was supposed to do a lot of work as I have a meeting with Barney on Monday which I think will be an important meeting about this project. But, fairly suddenly, this morning I found my energy was very low. Like other mornings since I’ve been back I got up early and went to sit in a cafe. But instead of ordering a coffee, I ordered a milkshake and instead of re-thinking my project in my Saola notebook and planning my day’s I read Rumi and wrote in my other notebook.
I wrote some odd stuff, inspired by Rumi. For example I wrote:
“Each step you take is cradled to my chest – Yet I never knew you. I don’t want to let you go.”
and:
“go on, stretch your legs – but you will come back.
Your hoofprints and hers – soon no-one will be able to tell them apart.”
I don’t know whom these lines are addressed to or refer to.
